Maria and Tom Donnelly- Chaplains to the Forgotten

Shadows and Solace of Faith will share my journey of faith as a mom and a minister in the midst of severe mental illness that I have experienced in my family. Some aspects are very unique yet other aspects are quite common. All aspects of my journey are rarely spoken of in American church culture. They are simply not addressed. They are hidden in the shadows of faith.

Perhaps you live in the shadow of mental illness. I hope my journey gives you the faith needed to come out of the shadows into the light. In dark places infection grows unabated, but in the light there is healing.

If you are a mom or dad, you may either relate and understand to what I have been through or you may feel so sorry for me. If you are young and you have experience with mental illness you may relate to my son’s story. In either case- my biggest advice is DON’T HIDE the mental illness in your family. You can get the help you need and heal, but it requires that you are open and honest about it. God wants you to be open and forthright with what you are experiencing, just as you would share your challenges about other physical illness.

This is a tough story to share, but I share it to bring emotional healing to others and myself, to bring awareness of mental illness that affects more people every day, and to show you that there is always hope and healing in Jesus.

Mental illness has taken a toll on my family, but it has inspired me to share our story. We need your support during this time. If you feel led, give to Faith, Hope, and joy Ministries, or give to our GoFundMe page for our son who has debilitating mental illness for his long term care. This will be set-up in the coming weeks. Thank you!

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Beginnings

Danny always loved people. From the time he was an infant, being alone was the worst way for Danny to be. He wanted to be held all the time. However, when he was with strangers, he cried.

Danny hated being alone so much that once he was able to crawl and climb, he would climb out of his crib. Well first he would scream and cry, then climb. Back in the day, new parents were told to let their baby cry to settle himself down. So we would let him cry. But Danny would never stop. We would check on him, console him, lay him back down to sleep, and walk out of the room. In no time, he would awake again, crying. I would let him cry, but then the cries became screams. I would check on him, and he would have the look of terror in his face. Eventually Danny would climb out of his crib and allow himself to fall to the ground. That is how much he hated being alone. He would sit on the floor of his bedroom and cry until I came to rescue him. Needless to say, we couldn’t continue like that. At the age of about 15 months, Danny began sharing a room with his brothers. the crying stopped.

Even as a toddler and little boy, Danny loved sleeping in the same room with his brothers. Danny was a happy little boy. He didn’t fight or sass. He wrestled, played and laughed. He was always on the go, go, go. Danny used to run back and forth across the room over and over again. When we would ask him what he was doing, he always said, “I am thinking.” He would run back and forth and that’s how he was best at thinking. This pretty much summarized Danny’s childhood…always on the go. Happy, running, always thinking.

As Danny grew, night’s became a problem again. I would check on him as all moms do, and while his brothers were fast asleep, Danny was awake, lying in bed looking straight up at the dark ceiling. Many times tears were involved. “Why are you crying, honey?” I would ask him. “I am going to hell.” What an astonishment! We always told our sons how much we loved them and that God loved them. We were a faith filled family: meal and night-time prayers, Bible stories, Sunday school every week. For some reason, Danny was hearing voices in his head telling him he was going to hell. Needless to say, this was a concern to momma. I would hold him and reassure him. He would finally fall asleep because I was there with him holding his hand. When Danny was alone the voices were worse. When he had company- his brothers around, and me and Tom, he was happy and on the go as usual. Danny felt safest and happiest when he was with his friends and family, running and playing.

The voices Danny heard were a mystery to us. Most of the time, we thought it was some type of ‘spiritual’ or demonic attack. As people who read the Bible, we know there is an enemy to our soul. Even pop culture promotes demonic activity in the various horror films that have been in existence for decades. Was Danny being attacked spiritually in his mind? It sounds crazy but I didn’t know what to make of it. Danny loved Jesus. Danny loved God always. He knew all the Bible stories. Was it some sort of ‘night terrors’ many children experience? No, it was much more than that. These voices were real to Danny and keep him up into the hours of the morning. Danny’s mind was constantly racing. Danny and I suffered through these scary nights for many, many years. We would share what was happening with his dad. Tom would come in and pray for him. But then it was expected Danny would feel better and go to sleep. Danny tried and tried, but the voices always returned. So for many, many nights I would keep Danny company until he fell asleep. That’s just how I handled it. Eventually I would ask a trusted friend what they thought. And we even had numerous appointments with a licensed counselor. They would give us hints and strategies on sleeping better at night.